Dying to be thin

Just in case anyone is wondering, I created a new journal, 'cause I was getting sick of this one lol ... the address is http://solitude1984.livejournal.com/ ... add me if you feel like it. =)

So it has been a really long while since I've posted ... I tried to cut myself off from all of the communities I had joined, and all of the friends I had made on ED websites ... I just wanted to forget everything ... I wanted to begin fresh ... things were going well for me for a while, but went downhill pretty quickly. Right now I'm bulimic, and at 5'5", weigh 93 pounds. Of course, it wouldn't matter if I weighed 50 pounds, I would still feel disgusting. On top of my feelings, I really don't have much energy ... I get dizzy a lot ... short of breath ... the results of my blood tests indicate that my iron is abnormally low, I'm severely dehydrated, and my white blood cell count is abnormally low and continuing to decrease. I had more bloodwork done this past week, so it should be interesting to see how that turns out.

Aside from that, I'm in day hospital from 9 to 5 Mondays to Fridays, for the treatment of severe anxiety and depression ...I'm also on the waiting list for treatment of my ED ... but the wait for that one is very long.

So that's about it in a nut sheel. I'm not in school ... I'm not working ... this is life with bulimia ... charming, isn't it?

Current Location: In my room
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Celine Dion, Immortality

So this will be my last post for a while ... I don't know when I'm going to come back ...maybe tomorrow ... maybe a week from now ... maybe a month from now ... maybe never ...all I know is that I have to distance myself from my eating disorder ... I feel really bad for doing this, but I think it is the only way I will completely recover. Writing in this journal has become painful ... it constantly reminds me of all of the damage I have done ... and it's not that I can ever forget everything that has happened ... nor do I really want to ... I have learned so much about myself and other people ... I have become more empathetic towards others  ... I am a better person now ... but I need to make some drastic changes in my life ... I need to focus on my goals ... I need to focus on me.

Today I celebrated my 22nd birthday with my family (even though I'm not officially 22 until Wednesday) ... as I blew out the candles on my cake, I thought about everything that has happened in the last 22 years of my life ... I am so lucky to be alive ... I am in university, I still have a chance to fix things ... I am in good health ... my life is beautiful, even if it is not perfect. I have so many people in my life who love and care for me. Yesterday I finally signed up for my MCAT course ... it felt so good ... I felt like it was the first step towards my goal. Right after I finish writing this entry, I'm going to plan out what courses I need to take over the next two years of university, and when. I refuse to let my eating disorder run my life any longer ... I am going to move on ... I am going to achieve my goals ... I am going to be happy.

I wish everyone much luck in fighting this awful disease ... never give up on your life ... you are so much more than a number on a scale ... you are a precious human being that deserves all the happiness in the world. I would like to thank everyone who commented on my journal ... I love you all ... you have all helped me get to this point in my life ... I will never forget any of you. If/when I do come back, I will be sure to check up on you and comment on your journals. Until then, goodbye sweeties. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

So I got the results of my EKG back ... the report says: "arrhythmia - competing ectopic atrial rhythm" ... I dunno what the hell that means (I gotta say it doesn't sound too good) ... but I sure as hope I haven't permanently screwed something up ... :S 

Other than that, the week has been really odd ... I really feel like I'm eating too much ... I feel soooooooo huge! I had an appointment with my psych today ... she referred me to a nutritionist ... hopefully I can get an appointment soon. I dunno why, but today's appointment kind of depressed me. She asked me how much weight I had gained ... I told her (yes, on Tuesday I cheated and weighed myself ... then I cried about it for a while) ... then I said that I didn't want to gain any more. She told me I had to. Sigh. Then I told her about my plans to take the MCAT prep course (which starts at the end of May) ... her response was: "see the nutritionist, get a meal plan set up, STICK to the meal plan for a month, and we'll see how things go." Then she went on to talk about how a good physician cannot be anorexic etc, etc. I know she's right ... Anyway I'm happy about the meal plan because I desperately need some guidance, but at the same time, I'm scared of it ... what if she expects me to eat even more than I'm eating right now? I'm so tired of all of this. Anyhow, I'm feeling really, really drained so I don't think I'm going to write any more tonight ... taking a nap right about now seems like an excellent idea.

Current Mood: sleepy

My moods are so weird ... some days I'm so happy that I'm bouncing off of the freaking walls (i.e., I'm back to my "normal" self ... or how I was before I got depressed ... dunno if you can call that "normal" ...lol) ... other days (like today) I feel so down that I just want to hide under my covers all day.  I'm trying to stay positive though ... 

I'm still eating normally, so that's good. I'm also still over exercising, so that's not so good ... but I will eventually overcome that also. It's so difficult sometimes, because I'll see some really thin person on the street and I'll think, "gosh, I want to be like that ... you know, if I start restricting again, I can be." Then I'll see a fat person on the street and I'll panic ... "what if I get that huge by eating normally?!!!" Pushing those types of thoughts aside and moving forward is not easy, but I know it has to be done. My goal is to eventually start thinking about food and exercise as a means to stay healthy, rather than as a means to lose weight. The biggest challenge in overcoming this eating disorder (for me) is not in eating normally ... I can force myself to do that ... I'm used to dealing with very high levels of anxiety thanks to my anxiety disorder ... I can cope ... no, the biggest challenge is in changing the way I think ... changing the way I look at other people ... changing the way I look at myself ...

I went to see a general physician today ... when I got on the scale to get weighed, I turned around so that I couldn't see the number. I was very tempted to ask how much I weigh ... but I didn't ... I knew the number would screw with my head. Overall the appointment went all right though, I guess.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say for now ... I'm going to go to group therapy tomorrow ... can't say I'm looking forward to it ... ah well ... c'est la vie ...

Current Mood: blah

Here's my list of things in my life that I will never forget ... feel free to add yours ... I have added some pictures of my family and me ...

~ What it feels like to be blind
My 16th birthday present:  getting my vision back after several very difficult surgeries. 

~ What it feels like to starve 
Anorexia Nervosa ... it has taken away so many years of my life ... it will not take away any more.

~ What it feels like to fail 
The last 3.5 years of university have been a complete failure in my view.  They have, perhaps, been the most painful years in my life.

~ What it feels like to look in the mirror and cry
I cannot even count how many times I have cried over my looks.  Ever since I was a child, I would look in the mirror and I would hate what I saw.  Such a sad life to live. 

~ What it feels like to be a child
Getting hurt:  when I was four, I jumped off of the couch, hit the wall, and had to get stitches.
Crying:  I've always done this a lot ... 
Laughing:  when I was in elementary school, I'd have nicknames like "Smiley" and "Giggles" ... on my report card, teachers would write things like "we sure will miss that giggle!"
Playing, watching cartoons, eating chips for breakfast ... lol ... the joys of being a child!
Below:  Me and my cousin ...


~  The first time I drove a car
I'm not sure who was more afraid:  me or my mom!  I once crashed into a pole while learning how to park, too!  lol!

~  My high school prom ... dancing for hours without shoes
Ah yes ... I loooooooooooooove to dance ... I danced so much that by the middle of the night, my feet hurt so much I had to take my shoes off ... that didn't stop me from dancing though! =)
Below:  me and my prom date (sorry, had to cut off the heads! lol!)


~ My mom and dad, who have stood by me through the good times and the bad 
What more can I say?  I love my parents and would give up my life for them.
Below:  my parents getting married in Poland


~ My friends, who never judge me and are always there to listen 
We laugh together, we cry together ... my friends are as close to me as my family.  I would do anything for them.  I don't think I would be here right now without them.

~ The doctors in my life
This is the person who inspired me to go into medicine ...
Below:  Dr. Richard Johnston, a surgeon of mine


~ My sweet dogs
I don't think I can ever feel alone with my babies around.  They can always make me smile ... I don't know what I would do without them!
First picture:  my Lab, Pies
Second picture:  my Cocker Spaniel, Aimee




~  My sister, who is my lifelong friend
My sister is one of the sweetest people on the face of the planet.  We have had some awesome times together ... everything from playing with dolls as young children to lying around telling each other secrets as adults.  I will always love her!
Below:  my sister, Kristiyana (she looks better in real life! lol!)


~  Our beautiful traditions
Being Ukrainian is a big part of my life.  I love spending time with my family decorating the Christmas tree or painting easter eggs ... those are the moments I cherish the most. 
Below:  our beautiful Christmas tree in our living room

Current Mood: contemplative

So there really isn't much to report right now ... we celebrated my dad's birthday today ... we had strawberry shortcake ... it was sooooooooo yummy!! Of course, my anxiety is quite high right now ... I keep thinking that I should go to the gym for at least 3 hours tomorrow, but I don't want to ... not for that long, at least. It's so tempting though ... exercise gets rid of some of the anxiety (and the calories! lol!). Sigh. But anyway, I'm continuing to eat normally despite all of the anxiety, and I'm proud of that. I still think about going back to restricting quite often ... but I know I could never do it ... I have too much to live for.  Sometimes I look at everything that has happened so far, and I feel so sad.  I'm disappointed that I let things get so out of hand.  I wish I could go back in time and start over again.  Then again, I don't wish that at all.  Our experiences are what shape us ... I don't think I would be who I am today if I hadn't experienced all of this.  And I know that getting through this eating disorder will make me a stronger person in the end. 

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about what to do this summer. I've finally decided that I'm going to take the MCAT (Medical College Admission Test) in August ... that means that I'm going to be studying pretty much all summer ... and since I'm not organized enough to study on my own (thank you, ADHD!), I will be taking an MCAT course. I just need to reestablish some meaning in my life. I may never get into medical school, but I'll never forgive myself if I don't at least try ...

Current Mood: content

Well I had an absolutely AMAZING day today. I had my appointment with my psych in the morning ... it went really well ... I got my anxiety meds increased. It was funny because at one point she asked me what motivates me to keep going every day ... I told her that I want to go back to school in September. She remarked: "So in other words, you don't want to be a career anorexic" ... I thought that was such an interesting way to put it. Eating disorders absolutely consume your life ... my goal is to go to med school and work in a hospital, not to end up as a patient in a hospital. Anyway, I'm still going to be put on the waiting list for a treatment centre ... I'm hoping that by the time they call me, I can tell them I don't need them anymore. =)

The rest of the day went really smoothly. I went to the gym for a couple of hours ... then I hung out at a lounge at school and ended up falling asleep on one of the couches for a couple of hours. Then I ran into a friend and we ended up going to Tim Horton's ... I got an Iced Cappuccino ... yum! I can't say I didn't feel guilty about it ... but I'm still proud that I pushed that guilt away and ended up getting it anyway. After that, I went bowling with a bunch of other friends ... it was such a blast!! I didn't go out to dinner with them afterwards, but I know one day I will be comfortable enough to do so.

I've always been told I'm stubborn ... it's time to use that to my advantage ... if anyone can get through this, it's me. =)

Oh! One more thing! Because I'm such a control freak, I came up with some rules for recovery! lol!

1. No counting calories allowed!
2. No more than 2 hours of cardio per day!
3. No stepping on the scale for the next three months.
4. Do not skip group therapy more than once a month. NEVER skip individual therapy.

That's all for now!  Hope everyone else had a great day! 

Current Mood: happy

So today was really rough for me ... I was supposed to go volunteering, then go shopping with my sister, then go to the gym, and then go to group therapy. I didn't do any of those things. My anxiety was off the wall today ... I felt so sick ... short of breath, dizzy, nauseous ... gotta love it. I ended up staying in bed all day ... I'm disappointed that my ED is still ruling my life, but I know it will take time to break free from the disordered thoughts ... I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow morning ... I'm hoping to get the dose of my anxiety meds increased. In other news, I've been trying hard to eat normally ... that means breakfast, lunch, and dinner ... without counting calories. It's very difficult. I feel like I'm eating too much ... I realized today that I don't know what normal eating really is ... am I really eating too much, or is this just my ED talking (after all, I thought 400 calories was too much!)?  Anyway, that's all for today ... I hope tomorrow will be better. 

Okay, this is the last time I'm going to post my stats on here since I'm very serious about recovery ... 

Height: 5'5"
Weight: 94 lbs
BMI: 15.6

The last few days have been very difficult. When I'm in the bus/train/on the street, I see thin people ... when I turn on the TV, I see weight loss shows, commercials etc. Today I saw an anorexic girl in the gym ... she MUST BE anorexic ... there's no way she weighs more than 70 lbs. It was difficult to watch her ... especially because I know I'm going to have to gain weight now ... it's inevitable ... I don't want to ... I would love to be able to stay at 94 lbs and eat normally ... but I know that's not possible. I keep going over the options in my head ... sure, I could remain anorexic ... but how many people would I hurt if I did that?  How much permanent damage would I do to my body? How many times would I have to be hospitalized? Would I be happy? Would I ever finish school? It's funny because I've always said that I want a big family (at least four kids) ... the longer I torture my body like this, the lower the liklihood that I will ever be able to have children. Do I *really* want to screw up the rest of my life JUST to be thin? No. I have to get down to the bottom of this ... I have to resolve the issues behind this eating disorder ... and I have to do it before it's too late.

So yesterday I ate normally again ... I don't know how I feel about it ... I've had a lot of panic attacks over the last few days and I couldn't sleep last night ... all because I feel like I've gained a ton of weight ... I've started crying after pretty much every meal. Honestly, you don't know how much control this disorder has over you until you try to overcome it ... *sigh*. I got up this morning wanting so badly to fast ... I just wanted my stomach to be flat again ... I wanted to feel hungry again ... I love hunger ... but I went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal instead. I still measured everything out ... but I guess just the fact that I ate anything at all is a step in the right direction. This is very depressing. It doesn't help that it's raining outside today.

I will recover from this illness. I will not let this control my life. My goal for this week: eat NO LESS than 400 cals/day. I will recover. I have to. I can't do this to myself. I can't do this to my family.  I'm scared ... but I want to love myself ... I want to enjoy life ... I want to be happy ...

I'm so confused ... on the one hand, I want to remain anorexic ... I want to lose more weight ... I want to be so thin, it hurts to look at me ... but then another part of me asks "why? what's the point? what will that prove?" As I said in my previous entry, I tried to eat normally, and it didn't work out too well. Today I'm back to restriction ... a part of me is happy that it's a new day and I can start fresh ... but another part of me is so sad ... I'm slowly losing my life to   a   disease. My psych was telling me that going back to school in September would be a "bad idea" ... that was painful to hear. For so long, school has been my whole life. I worked so hard to get into university. Getting those letters of acceptance was such a rush ... I was starting a new chapter of my life ... where did all of that go? All of the structure within my life is gone ... I long for the times when my biggest worry was that I didn't get 90% on a test or assignment. I want life to be simple again ... but the more I try to make things right, the more complex things get ...


My university

Current Mood: crushed

My heart is pounding right now. After yesterday's appointment, I promised myself I would get better ... I promised myself I would not let everything get so out of hand that I would end up in IP. I promised. I ate "normally" yesterday, and tried to do so today also. I'm panicking right now because I feel like I've gained too much weight within the past three days. I can't do this. I can't gain weight. I can't eat normally. I have to fast tomorrow. I'm so scared right now. I know I gained weight. I look in the mirror and I see this huge person. How could I do this to myself? How could I eat so much. I don't know what's going to happen ... I'm scared ...

Went to see my psychiatrist today.
Told her what happened yesterday ... she ordered blood labs and an EKG ... I had to go right after the appointment.
She wants me to go into inpatient treatment.
I can't begin to describe how upset I am right now.
I cried during the appointment.
I'm still crying now.
I have nothing else to say. 

So I ate more than I should have today. Do I feel bad? Yes and no. Yes because whenever I eat, I automatically feel like I've gained a ton of weight. No because I feel like my body is shutting down. I had at least five people comment that I looked ill at volunteering today. I felt ill. I was exhausted ... I barely got through my shift. When I got home, my mom commented that I "look anorexic". Gee mom, maybe that's because I AM. Ugh. Anyway, she started bugging me about how much I'm eating, blah, blah, blah ... so I ate just to keep her quiet. Tomorrow I'm fasting to make up for today ... but honestly, I really do feel like my body needed a little break ... I have a feeling I have an iron deficiency ... I'll find out soon enough I guess ... I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see that doctor ... but what can I do? I just hope I can last that long ... I felt horrible at the gym today, despite the extra food. Not a good sign at all.

Food for the day:
Too much, yet too little ...

Exercise:
Cross trainer (30 min)
Bike (30 min)

Current Mood: sick

First off, I wanted to thank everyone who replied to my entries ... I really do appreciate the support ... I don't know what I would do without you guys!

So I just finished watching America's Next Top Model ... I used to envy the girls on that show ... but today for some reason they didn't seem all that thin to me ... well a couple of them did ... but the others ... meh. I want to be thinner. It's funny because during one portion of the show, they were contemplating whether or not one girl had an eating disorder. They decided she didn't because she had a little bit of "flab" under her arm. Hmmmm. I'm still trying to figure out how that proves she doesn't have an ED ...

Group therapy was odd today. The mood was really low ... I guess I'm not the only one feeling like crap. It was just a very weird session ... definitely didn't make me feel better. Plus, I noticed all of the girls live away from their parents ... they have one less thing to deal with ... I really envy them.

Food for the day:
Silhouette yogurt (x2): 80 cal
Whole wheat blueberry eggo waffles (x2): 160 cal
Total: 240 cal

Exercise:
Decided to take a break today 'cause my muscles were really sore ... back to the routine tomorrow.

Current Mood: blank

My dad can be such an asshole ... he thinks he can control my life ... well you can't control me, daddy ... arguments make me want to restrict more and more ... if there's one thing no one can do, it's force me to eat. We'll see how happy you are when I'm so thin I'm practically dead ... I hope you'll be happy then, 'cause you and mom are the ones who f*cked me up in the first place. I can't wait to move out of this hell hole.

So much for my good day. I have to get ready for group therapy ... I hope it's a good session ...

Current Mood: angry

I'm feeling so lucky today ... I sometimes feel like I have no right to be unhappy ... there are so many people who truly care for me ... right now five of my close friends know about my ED, and they're all being truly amazing. I feel like maybe, with their help, I can get through this one day ... I was just telling so_whale_like about how supportive one of my friends was when I told her about my ED (see the "comments" from my last entry) ... typing that out made me realize that there are so many amazing people rooting for me (including all of you who support me) ... I checked my email this morning and found a letter from a friend I visited on Monday (the day I was feeling so down) ... this is what he wrote (warning! it's a bit corny ... but he's the overly-sensitive type ... lol) ... 

My goodness, I felt so much hurt in you tonight. You may not know it but i can certainly sense when you are so blue. I wanted so much to hug you and reassure you that you will be well again. All may seem so bleak right now but you will be whole again. I cried so much on my way back to my place and I feel my helplessness at not being able to "provide" any assistance to you. I can only offer you my faithfulness as one of your many friends and promise to stand by you in these troubling times. I do need you in my life because you make this world a much better place ... your caring warm friendship is a great lift to my spirits ... over and over again i give thanks for the day you came into my life. Now, I want so much to be here for you. To offer my shoulders and my ears to listen without passing any judgement or opinion. Please trust in me and know I just want what is best for you in every possible way. All I want to say is, I care .... I have been promising myself not to be nosy and ask too many questions but sometimes I cant help myself b/c I read your "body language" and I sense your loneliness and despair .... then I go crazy and want to help too much and I get so clumsy in questioning you ... I want you to be happy again .. to hear your laughter .. to see your entire being all lit up .... to feel your joy ... I'm looking forward to those days again ... Damn it this email is getting way too long but just know I am your friend and have been from the start ... I will help and be there for you whenever wherever .... take care ... I'm sending you one of my biggest teddy bear hugs .. bye for now ...

Current Mood: Warm & Fuzzy

So today was alright ... I guess. I did what I set out to do: went to the gym, ate between 400 & 800 cals without binging, and went to Tim Horton's without eating/drinking anything. Am I happy? No. As I was waiting for my friends to arrive at the coffee shop, I sat at a table watching other people eat. There was one woman who was quite thin eating her dinner ... she had five cookies with white chocolate on her plate. She ate them as if it were nothing ... no big deal ... I imagined myself in her shoes ... I don't even remember how it feels to eat without thinking twice. Maybe I'll never be able to do it again. Life is so cruel. Another women came into the store ... she was obese ... ordered a bunch of crap, and sat there eating it. I had to wonder what she was thinking. Did she feel guilty? Ashamed? Indifferent? Did it matter to her that she was so large? Was she HAPPY? Happiness ... it's something I long for, and yet something I'm not sure I'll ever have. I don't think I could ever be happy as an overweight person ... but I also know that I'll never be happy with the way my life is right now ...

Today I told one of my close friends about my ED. It's funny because she's old enough to be my mother ... I used to volunteer for her ... and yet, I feel that I can tell her anything. She was so unbelievably understanding. It's nice to have another person on my side.

So I ate quite a bit today (as planned) and feel disgusting for it ... I mean, I'm happy I didn't binge, but I feel like I gained a ton of weight after eating so much. I just can't win.

Food for the day:
Strawberry-banana yogurt: 40 cals
High fibre rye crispbread with peanut butter: 240 cal
Natura Strawberry Soya (200 mL): 120 cal
Special K cereal w/ 1% milk: 163 cal
Kellogg's whole grain cereal (1 cup): 120 cal
Total: 683 cal

Exercise:
Cross trainer (30 min)
Treadmill (30 min)
Bike (30 min)

Current Mood: envious